The Mysteries of the Loud House
by Curiousgorge55
Summary: Lincoln Loud and his ten sisters try to unravel the mysteries of the Loud House.
1. Chapter 1

Lincoln Loud was waking up from a deep sleep. "There must be something wrong with me!", he said. Just then, his sister, Luan, gave him a stuffed bunny. "Here you go, Lincoln!", she said. "Great, another bunny for my stuffed animal collection," Lincoln said. Luan said, "You can name her whatever you want." And then Luan walked out the door. Lincoln thought, whatever I want, huh? "I'll go with... Patty. Patty Rabbit. You'll make a nice girlfriend for Bun-Bun", Lincoln said.

The next day, the Loud children were all on the couch, discussing various ideas. "I want to go see that Black Sabbath concert", said Luna. "I want to share makeup tips with Megan Fox," said Lola. "I want to read The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe", said Lucy. "I feel like coming up with big equations to end world hunger," said Lisa. "I wanna play in the mud," said Lana. "I wanna text something about how to look attractive in public to Bobby", said Lori. Lily exclaimed, "Otters!".

Lincoln said, "What's going on with Lily?" The rest of the Loud children shrugged.

Lisa said, "There's only one way to find out. She needs a test." But Lincoln objected and said, "She's just a baby! You just can't do a test on her! It's unethical!"

Lisa said, "Not that kind of test. I wanna see what's in her mind."


	2. Chapter 2

Lincoln Loud stood up to say, "I believe this house is full of mysteries. Mysteries we've never taken on before. Mysteries that include finding a watermelon in perfect condition after six months, a darkened closet that you can access from my bedroom, this house is chock full of mysteries!"

Lisa Loud said, "The possibility of those events occurring are impossible, considering how watermelons decay after a period of time, and seeing how your bedroom used to be a closet of its own."

Lincoln Loud said, "You're right. But those are everyday occurrences, and watermelons staying in perfect condition after six months is not. We gotta get to the bottom of this!" Lisa said, "Remember the LAST time we got to the bottom of anything?" Lisa talked about the villain that was stealing from their house a month ago. Lincoln said, "But he didn't cause strange occurrences! This stuff can't be pinned on anyone!" Lisa said, "Mom and Dad could pin it on almost all of us for making conspiracy theories." Lincoln said, "But I'm not even making a conspiracy theory! There are some odd occurrences around here, and it's time to get to the bottom of it!"


	3. Chapter 3

Lincoln took his ten sisters into his room. He said, "See? There's a door, right next to me!" Lincoln proceeded to open the door, and found out it was completely dark. Lincoln said, "Wow, it is dark. I need a flashlight." Lincoln turned on his flashlight and started to wonder around the new-found closet with Lori. Lori said, "Well, _damn._ I didn't know about this room." Lincoln said, "And that's not even the half of it! There's another mystery in here!" Lori said, "It better not be a place that looks like hell." Lincoln said, "Now why would the house have that? It'd burn to ashes! No, instead I found a bunch of unusually large otters." Lori said, "If they're giant, I'd run away!" Lincoln said to the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, the person who played Pokemon Black and White and picked Oshawott as her starter is suddenly afraid of _giant_ otters." Lori said, "Ironic, huh?"

Lincoln said, "But we're not unraveling that mystery yet. We still need to unravel what causes a certain thought process to go on in Lola and Lana's room."


	4. Chapter 4

Lincoln checked Lola and Lana's room, finding out that they're dancing awkwardly. Lana said, "It's not the room; it's the closet that makes us dance controllably!" Suddenly, Lola and Lana got an idea. Lola said, "We could shrink down Lake-" before getting cut off by Lincoln. Lincoln said, "Yeah, that's a strange mystery indeed! What more mysteries could we find, hmm?"

Suddenly, Lisa Loud came in and said, "You found another mystery? Well, I found zero mysteries. I was solving some equations instead."

Lincoln said, "OK, you can stop looking for mysteries if you want to, Lisa." Lisa said, "I never started looking for them to begin with. You can continue, but I don't want any part of this."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Well, we've got another mystery. No, it's not the one about the giant otters. It's about the 15 dead children packed in the closet of Lori and Leni's room."


	5. Chapter 5

Lincoln Loud went into Lori and Leni's closet and found the 15 dead children on the floor. Lincoln said, "Well, that's enough explanation of this mystery." Lori said, "I dunno who killed them!" Lincoln replied, "Shocker. The Loud family could've been bigger than the Duggars had all 15 of them survived."

Lori said, "Well, I didn't know what happened to them at all! All I remember is that Mom and Dad put a corpse in our closet everytime one of their children- our siblings- passed away. They always explained their cause of death to me."

Lincoln said, "I don't want to hear anymore backstory, thank you." Lori said, "OK, if you can't tolerate this backstory, it's your choice."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Another mystery explained, a really awful backstory causing headaches to my head. Next up, we'll explain the mystery of- no, not the giant otter mystery. We're not doing that one yet. Instead, we're looking into the trash can that makes things rot automatically."


	6. Chapter 6

Lincoln Loud dropped the crust of an eaten piece of pizza down the trash can and it turned green and moldy afterwards. Lincoln explained, "See? I knew this would come in handy someday!" Lucy Loud then dropped a bottle of soda down the trash can, and whatever soda was still left in the bottle went flat. Lucy said, "It doesn't grow mold in soft drinks, it just makes them flat!"

Lincoln said, "They're supposed to go flat. That's what soft drinks are meant to do." Lucy then poured the water down and it didn't grow mold or go flat at all. Lucy said, "It doesn't work on water."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Well, turns out the only thing the trash can doesn't work on is water. Water simply stays as pure as it was before it got dumped in the trash. The next mystery I'll be explaining is- again, not the giant otter mystery! We'll save that for chapter 8! We are gonna explain the mystery of why Nickelodeon Games and Sports for Kids is still on the air around here!


	7. Chapter 7

Lincoln turned on the TV, and an episode of "Legends of the Hidden Temple" came on. Lori said, "We still receive that game show channel? I thought Dish Network pulled it back in 2009!" Lincoln said, "This place is not normal, so of course we still receive Nick GAS." Lori said, "But we haven't heard of it in 7 years!" Lincoln said, "You didn't watch a lot of TV in 2009. So that's why you didn't hear of it in seven years."

Lori said, "I guess you're right. We're solving mysteries left and right." Lincoln said, " _Explaining._ If we were _solving_ mysteries, we'd be like Scooby-Doo and anyone in the Mystery Machine!" Lori said, "OK, I'll take your word for it."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Welp, another mystery explained! Maybe someday, I'll watch "Legends of the Hidden Temple" online and think about it. Or maybe I'd watch "Figure it Out". Or "Nickelodeon Guts". Or "Double Dare 2000". Nick GAS aside, I still have that giant otter mystery to explain, and we're gonna explain that mystery next!"


	8. Chapter 8

Lincoln went outside and saw nothing. "Don't worry", he said. "They're not outside." Then Lincoln rushed to the basement and found them. "They're in here. Whenever they're napping, though, you mustn't wake them up or they'll try to play with you. And right now, they're napping." Lucy came in the basement and said, "Are you sure giants want to play?" Lincoln said, "That happened when I was ambushed by a Oshawott that was fluent in English!" Lucy said, "Pokemon cannot be fluent in English. They just can't." Lincoln said, "Well, just keep very quiet." Lucy said, "I have to. Darkness requires speaking quietly."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Let's get out of here before they wake up. Up next is another mystery, the case of the miniature otter!"


	9. Chapter 9

Lincoln went on the roof, where there sat 10 miniature otters. Lincoln said, "Someone came to our house and went up to this very roof and said, 'Get off the Loud's house' and then chanted 'Reducio' on these mini-otters before fleeing."

Lori Loud climbed the ladder up to the roof. "Yeah, that was a shrinking charm, all right. Hey, have you still got mysteries to explain?

Lincoln got up and said, "Yes, I do have mysteries left to explain."

Luan climbed up and said, "Hmm... Lincoln has a point. He still hasn't explained everything about this house or the mysteries."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Well, another mystery explained, another one yet to explain. But first, I'll take a break since it's getting dark and I need sleep. When I'm up and had breakfast, I'll continue looking for more mysteries! Tomorrow's mystery to explain: Orange Mist Twst.


	10. Chapter 10

Lincoln Loud woke up after having a good map and walked to the kitchen. There he found a bottle of Orange Mist Twst soda. Lincoln said, "And Orange Mist Twst isn't even on the market yet! What was PepsiCo thinking?" Lucy went up to Lincoln and said, "Orange Mist Twst, eh?" Lincoln said, "Evidently, it's a new soda PepsiCo is testing out on the market. I dunno why, but I don't work for PepsiCo." Lucy said, "Yeah... you're right. Orange Mist Twst isn't out on the market yet, so something weird must be going on..."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Welp, that explains a Mist Twst flavor that won't be out on the market for a long while. Next mystery to explain is the one about otters-turned-seals. But first, I need some time in my room."


	11. Chapter 11

Lincoln was sitting on his bed, playing with Bun-Bun and Patty. Lincoln said, "It's so nice to play with my stuffed toys every once in a while. Especially Bun-Bun. But let's see... I've got nothing else to explain after the otters-turned-seals. I'm all out of capital ideas, ironic statements, metaphorical reasoning, and more importantly, mysteries to explain. I guess I will have to cut the mystery explanation search short and try to explain this mystery with as much force as a wagon.

Lincoln then said to the audience, "I might have to cut the mystery explanations short so let's see what we could explain out of this final mystery: Otters-turned-seals."


	12. Chapter 12

Lincoln went outside and said, "I lied about not having any more mysteries to explain. Now I feel guilty." Lincoln said to the audience, "Welp, here goes. A mountain of money, just standing over there. I feel guilty about lying to you guys." Then Lori went outside and was shocked at the money mountain. She said, "That's a ton of money!" Lincoln said, "Please don't spend any of it. I need to explain this mystery."

Lincoln said to the audience, "I'm sorry for not showing you the otters-turned-seals one yet. That one will be next. Again, very sorry, guys." Lori said, "At least you told the truth about your feeling guilty for lying that there are no more mysteries left to explain." Lincoln said, "And I've already took pictures so I could get these posted online. This is a digital camera, by the way."


	13. Chapter 13

Lincoln was searching through his bedroom and found four seals below his bed. "You see", Lincoln began, "these seals are not really seals. They were otters." Lori went to Lincoln's bedroom and said, "These had better be real mysteries!"

Lincoln said to the audience, "You heard Lori! If they aren't real mysteries, I dunno what I would expect! But I've covered every real mystery in the entire house! There are no more mysteries for me to explain or anything. This doesn't mean that the story is ending, no way am I ending the story in a cliffhanger! Instead, I'll continue it until I get these pictures printed or something. So hang on; I need to get these developed."


	14. Chapter 14

As soon as Lincoln got the pictures "developed", Lincoln sat back down on the couch, looking at the pictures printed from the computer. Suddenly, his ten sisters confronted him. "What are you up to, Lincoln?", said Lola. Lincoln said, "I found out every single mystery and explained it all. Now all I need to do is show these to Clyde and I'll be done." Lola said, "Then what's... this?" Turns out Lola found a chart explaining the unsolved mysteries. "You went into my room?", said Lincoln. Lola said, "Well, you forgot to solve these mysteries, so it's pretty obvious that our parents already know!" Lincoln said, "our parents already know every mystery!"

Lincoln said to the audience, "Welp, here we go again. Lola gave me _two more mysteries to explain_! How am I gonna explain them all? Hmm... the first one she gave me is about the princess uniform that is always dancing. The second one is of dolls coming to life in Lola and Lana's room."


	15. Chapter 15

Lincoln got up and noticed something. "What's this?", he said. He opened the door and saw something outside. Lincoln said, "What's going on?" Lincoln saw his 10 sisters, and almost everything from his explained mysteries. Lola slapped Luna and said, "you forgot to wake the giant otters up!" Luna said, "Sorry about that. I've got a loud song I can play on my guitar if they need to wake up." Lola shrieked, "Play even louder!" Luna turned her amp up full blast and played "Blitzkrieg Bop" as fast as she can. This caused the giant otters to wake up instantly. Lola then shook up the bottle of Orange Mist Twst and knocked the trash can aside. Lincoln said, "What are you doing?" Lola said, "Trying to solve these mysteries!" Lincoln said, "You went into my room and saw my list of _explained_ mysteries?" Lola said, "Yeah! So I decided to give you what for!" Just then, the objects from the explained mysteries returned to their original locations; their father was home. His first response was "Lola, you have been trying to erase all evidence that Lincoln explained mysteries all day! Don't you realize I know about those mysteries too?" Lola said, "I didn't know you knew about them!"

Back in his room, Lincoln said to the audience, "Welp, Lola got grounded for trying to erase all the evidence of the explained mysteries. She wasn't the only one, though; Lana was grounded for that, too, and Lori got grounded because she texted photos of all my explained mysteries to Bobby without telling Dad first. Luna simply got told to turn her amp down and she did so. And I got stuck in here not because of that, either. The other ones are guarding my room to protect my explained mysteries until I decide to show them to Clyde. But still, a big family has no secret that lasts for life."


	16. Chapter 16

One day after, Lincoln got up and said, "I have got to show these to Clyde!" Lincoln left his bedroom, rushed down the stairs, out of the house, and to Clyde's house. Clyde said, "Hi, Lincoln!" Lincoln showed him the photos of his explained mysteries, and he chatted with Clyde afterward. "You've got to pay taxes?", Lincoln said. Clyde said, "My father won the lottery today. Guess how much tax he paid? 80%. And that was just for government tax. 5% went to the IRS for prize taxes, and he kept the rest."

Lincoln was shocked. "That's some big taxes he had to pay!", he said. Clyde nodded. "You're right. At least you're not like Preston Evergreen. You deal with ten sisters instead of a villain. Lincoln said, "Wanna watch some Nick GAS when you're at my place?" Clyde said, "Wasn't Nick GAS shut down years ago?" Lincoln said, "Well, depends on who you ask." Clyde said, "But I have no plans to visit today. I need to get ready for when I do come for Lori."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Well, though Clyde declined to visit, I guess I have more mysteries to explain."


	17. Chapter 17

When Lincoln went back to his house, he found that TBS was on. "Huh, TBS", he said. "Better than Lily's favorite channel, Disney Junior, I guess." Lincoln decided to watch the Big Bang Theory marathon until he realized that he had another mystery to solve. "Well, this isn't like myself to forget about those mysteries", he said.

Lincoln then said to the audience, "Did I suddenly forget by watching the Big Bang Theory marathon? Maybe. But I've got another mystery to explain, and this one is about every single expensive bill the Loud family has ever received."


	18. Chapter 18

Lincoln was headed back to Clyde's house when he noticed in his pocket a $-12 bill. "Huh, this is worthless," Lincoln said.

Soon, he saw a mountain of every expensive bill the Loud family ever had. Lincoln said, "That's a lot of bills! And a lot of money." Lisa Loud showed up and said, "To be exact, it's four trillion, five billion, six million, seven thousand, eight hundred and ninety dollars for all the bills combined."

Lincoln said to the audience, "Just what I needed. Separate bills. Well, the next mystery I'll try to solve will be one about the tons of Pikachu dolls Lana collects."


	19. Chapter 19

Lincoln headed to Lola and Lana's room and took a picture of the Pikachu dolls Lana owned. "What are you up to, Lincoln?", questioned Lola. Lincoln said, "Nothing. Lana's not in here, so I decided to explain another mystery."

As soon as he exited the room, Lincoln said to the audience, "Well, another mystery has been explained. The next mystery I'll be focusing on is Lily becoming an Oshawott whenever she drinks chocolate milk. But that'll wait until I get back from Clyde's house, and also, we're out of chocolate milk, so I need to make the trip anyway and ask Clyde if I could have some chocolate milk."


	20. Chapter 20

When Lincoln told Clyde of the next mystery, Clyde said "Really, Lincoln? Somebody loves chocolate milk." Lincoln said, "Yeah, it's for Lily. Dad said I could give her chocolate milk." Clyde said, "OK. It's not like you can have your fairy godparent grant your every wish." Lincoln said, "I know."

When Lincoln was handed a bottle of chocolate milk, he thanked Clyde, headed out of the house, and said to the audience, "Well, Clyde handed me some chocolate milk. This had better work. I need to explain this mystery in one way or another."


	21. Chapter 21

Lincoln was headed back to his house when he realized something. "Isn't Lily a little young to drink _chocolate_ milk, let alone eat _solid_ food?" Lincoln then ran inside the house and back in his room and wondered, "If she drinks the chocolate milk, there's a high chance she will become an Oshawott. If I don't, I'll never be able to explain this mystery! The good thing is that it only lasts 30 seconds! The really bad part is taking the picture! If I don't take that picture within time, who knows what would happen if they give her chocolate milk!?" Then Lincoln got an idea. He said, "Maybe, I could dress her up, first. Then give her the chocolate milk. Then take the picture quickly. Oh, the anticipation is killing me!"

Lincoln was interrupted when Leni burst through the room. Leni said, " I need some type of antidote! My skin's turned blue _again_! Where's the antidote?" Lincoln said, "I got it." After Leni was turned back to normal, she said, "Thanks, Lincoln!" Lincoln told Leni about an unexplained mystery he was going to explain, then Leni said, "Really? That could happen?" Lincoln said, "well, yes." Leni said, "You do realize Lily would refuse to drink the chocolate milk, right?" Lincoln then became shocked. "Then what do I do? She needs chocolate milk to turn into Oshawott!" Leni then poured some of the milk into a syringe, and then handed the syringe to Lincoln. Leni said, "It's dangerous for chocolate milk to spill, take this!" Lincoln said, "Why, thanks, Leni!" Leni said, "That's what older sisters are for!"

Lincoln headed back to Clyde's house and said, "Leni filled a syringe full of chocolate milk!" Clyde said, "Yeah, I know. Lily would refuse to drink chocolate milk." Lincoln turned to Clyde and said, "You know about an unexplained mystery?" Clyde said, "I was calling Lori, and then you talked with Leni, and I eavesdropped on the whole conversation!" Lincoln said, "Why did Lori leave her phone on?" Clyde said, "She leaves it on for Bobby. I dunno why, but she does." Lincoln says, "She always talks to Bobby." Clyde said, "But I have feelings for Lori!" Lincoln said, "Wait, why was the phone in _my_ room?" Clyde said, "She threw it on your bed while you weren't in there, and you apparently didn't notice it. She's so thoughtful."

Lincoln then ran out of Clyde's house and said to the audience, "Well, Lori has her phone on my bed. And Clyde knows about the next mystery I'll explain: Lily turning into an Oshawott."


End file.
